This story was written in 2014
It’s been quite some time since the day father crowned me with my very first tiara. Right now, the moon is at that same position – a nice glowing crescent.
I’m ready to play it over again.
I knelt down before the throne and felt the tiara lain softly on my head. I rose and smiled back at my father, who took me by the hand to dance with me. The people around in fancy dresses wore smiles and lightened the air with their hearty laughter. The whole palace was illuminated, but no one was more illuminated than the two of us. We both knew it. Together we walked to the center until one by one, the others joined in. Now the fiddlers were beginning to play the song faster and faster. It was the survival of the fittest. Pearls and feathers were tossed in the air, dresses rounded up as it caught speed, and they were spinning and tossing and twirling and laughing. Now this was the part where the men would carry the ladies who would leap towards the sky and back down, when SNAP!
Dad wasn’t there to catch me. Bruised, I struggled to find whatever exactly went wrong, though I ached all over my body. Flat on my face, it was a hard fall that I felt it course through my whole body. Once I shook of the blur in my eyes, I realized that my dress had ripped at my back. My tiara fell to the ground with an echo I could not forget, and that very moment, I felt like the whole world stopped. Everything was ruined. Everyone was staring at me as though in disapproval. I was in the same place in darker hues. My vision was clouded. Those who had once worn smiles and shining eyes consume me with their ever empty glares, yet wearing the biggest smiles seen at the corners under their masks. And they looked transparent. I can only get a sense of where I’m at through the crowd. I couldn’t find a hole where there was only light.
What am I doing? I have to get to Dad. Sure enough the king stood before me. I stretched out my arm for a pull. “Daddy!” Now I’m safe. But it seems he had not heard. His eyes were just as empty. He seemed to have jerked at the sight of her. But at the same time, it didn’t seem like he had seen me. But I was sure his eyes had met mine. Or did it? It was as if he had seen something else and he didn’t like what he saw. Can I really search his face for whatever he might have had behind it? What was it? Was he not feeling well? Was he about to collapse? He never looked at her like that or at anyone - ever. … Was it disgust?
Before my eyes had realized what happened, I heard his footsteps getting quieter and quieter; his broad shoulders followed after. Behind his back, his hands were clutching a scepter.
Suddenly I felt a tug on my leg, which sprang me backwards to a jolt, and that very moment, music started to play again. What was going on? The whole place spun around me and all I could think was everything about the music sounded wrong. It was the same song, but it seemed to give off a pensive atmosphere. Oh, what is it? The more I listened the more it came to me. Lower tones. Lower tones were so sneakily blended I almost didn’t hear it. My heart was threatening to fail me until I could feel it in my throat. I felt like I could almost vomit it out. I’m in the middle of a quickly spinning clouded world - choking. I didn’t realize that I’ve been searching the pensive tone out of the song for so long, and the longer I did, the louder it became, until it was the only thing I ever knew; Tension sprang along, but I didn’t recognize it soon enough. It’s just the same pace with heavy drops and ear-piercing quirks. How can the exact same song lose all sense of harmony?
Finally I’ve been set to the floor. I’m surprised to have actually landed on both feet. Only then had I realized that my leg was bleeding. But it wasn’t so bad either. And I was too numb and confused and desperate and scared, that to get hurt was among the last thing I am. I balanced myself from almost tripping. I realized that I’ve been tossed around by people in stilts. They seem to unfold their bodies as they straighten their backs. But something about them was inhuman. Other than the fact that I was in a masquerade, the stilt people seem to be skating on air.
Ribbons were thrown overhead. I saw my mother struggling away. She was being controlled like a puppet to move along their very inhuman antics. I began to run, but it was no use. I decided that if I couldn’t run away, I might as well keep moving, and so I moved to my own beat, against all the other stilt people and porcelain people and masked people. That was the only way I was able to keep up much longer, and now I am nearing towards the grand door. I was catching speed, but I was also catching tears, which made me annoyed. But then again after all these things, maybe I should have cried earlier. By now I shall learn to be shaken by nothing.
BAM! Face to the floor, another tug at the leg, but to my surprise, the room has changed again. Lo and behold, the room had shrunk before me. I couldn’t quite move. I was alone. All I could see was my shadow right beside me. To my surprise, my shadow looked at me. For a moment, it seemed to be mirroring me, leaning forward as I did; running away just the same. We pace around the room from opposite poles without leaving the wall. It looked very much as if we’re about to wrestle each other. Why won’t it leave me? I was almost afraid it would charge on me if I blinked. I started to take bigger steps to my right, slowly lifting my leg and then following quickly to that direction. It did the same. I tried again. And again. Faster and faster and – CRASH! Without looking, I felt water start to pool around my right foot. It stung as it reached my wounds. It felt as though someone had smacked me real hard on the back that all the air out of my lungs gushed out. It felt like waking up. But I’m still here. Or rather, the whole place is still around me, because I’m supposed to be here. This is home. For fear of what I might see, I took a peak at my foot – real slow. I realize I have stepped on a potted plant which had too much water in it. What did I expect? Something equally strange as everything else? On the other side, my shadow only looked at its foot - which was free – then to me.
“H-hey, that’s not fair!” was the best thing I could think of saying.
It seemed to be excited. Of what? I charged at It on all fours. It was as much as the walls allowed. Maybe if we collide… It started to scare me. It didn’t seem to lean on the wall. It seemed to have some sort of volume. Nervously, I brought out my finger, managed a little poke on the nose, to which it only jerked back a little, though I don’t remember feeling anything at the tip of my finger. It waved at me, and to my surprise it said, “Goodbye”, and danced its way out like a leprechaun ballerina. It was quite a show. Maybe it can also lead me out. I crawled to its direction, bumping my head ever so often, but only to find myself in another room, which was equally dark, but just as I thought I came to nothing, splashes of purple and green and blue and red emerge from all directions. Shadows of ballerinas, leaping animals, knights, crowns and castles come before my eyes. They seemed to be telling me a story. I wonder where mine went. I felt a gush of wind from behind that seemed to have come together with music. I watched my hair get pushed forward by the wind, after which it started getting dimmer where I stood. Then I realized my shadow was standing right beside me. I wanted to move freely like the rest, and as if my shadow understood, it bumped me to the center of the whole place. I found myself standing at the part of the room where the light from outside illuminated through the window. But I felt as though I were on a platform. The music compelled me to dance, until I remembered father. But I didn’t want to think of what happened now. I was at the midst of shadows. Maybe if I can play it over again… but … I couldn’t exactly move as fluidly as the shadows can.
“Playing with your shadows, some fancy silhouette - has there ever been a better angle of light? Grace and adrenaline, divine divination, waves and stability combine…”
Where did that come from? It seemed to have been chanting, and though it was a whisper, it spread throughout the room. It was a sweet voice, I felt myself perk up in an instant. Wherever it came from, I have to look for it. It must be just within the room. Or in the hall - ‘round the corner. It’s been quite a while since I’ve heard a voice that wasn’t mine.
“Why look at you now!” The voice boomed from right behind me, causing me to turn swiftly to its direction. But I couldn’t find its owner. “You seem to be losing yourself as you invite music to come alive”. By this I looked at myself. “All you had to do was to surrender to wonder until it picked you up from your feet”. Sure. “You’ve lain on it and it spun you around...” I have a strange feeling someone’s walking around me – persistently. It came when it can - sacred moment when it can!” Her voice sounded faint… dreamy… sly. But boy, was it playful!
Then nothing came after that, but I’m sure I heard it. So I waited and waited, deciding that next I hear whoever it was again, I’d leap to her.
“Well stop looking for me. I’m right here.” She was right behind me alright. At last another human! Or at least, one that resembled a human. She looked more like a shadow. But she was human. It was as if her very essence was her shadow itself. At least I knew it was hers, because behind her, a shadow did not follow. It would be strange if she contained someone else’s shadow. As for me, shadows have been following me ever since I’ve fallen in this trance. She must be very lucky. She’s more than I imagined it would look like once human and shadow collide. And though she was pale, she was beautiful. The reason why she came:
“Don’t you think you’d fancy being a shadow instead?”
To which I said, “You’re trying to be funny.”
“Is that what you’re really going to say after everything that’s happened? Look out the window.”
I thought I’ve seen enough, but right then and there was father - in my chariot, after he called me his princess. I can’t believe how I’ve forgotten how I wanted to escape with him. What’s gotten in to him? No. He’s just being silly. I opened the window, but just as I was doing that, She said,
“Oh Meadow, you really shouldn’t bother. On the contrary, don’t you think you’d like to float lightly upon places you could never go and put a dim where light has saturated wonders? Well to be more specific wouldn’t you want to go anywhere without a need for a chariot?”
She waited.
“Yes, I suppose I would.”
“Don’t you see that the light has blinded far too much now?”
“Well, now that you say it that way, I guess …
“And when it does decide to reveal the truth, it will reveal too much!”
“I don’t get it.’
“You can still save the Shadow Lands.”
“Save it?”
“The Shadow Lands are ceasing to thrive. Where it used to stand, it can no longer penetrate. Now you can decide to show it to the world in a way they’ve never seen it before! Or even better, you may keep it for yourself.”
“Keep it for myself? Why, no! I would never want to keep it for myself. It’d be such a shame to hide such wonder!”
“A shame, you say?! Hmm, perhaps – but if you keep it to yourself, then no one can steal it from you.”
“Steal it from me? But how? I-I am the shadow. Without me, how can the people explore this kingdom?”
“So you are the shadow now, you say?”
“Oh. I meant, by then, I will be the shadow. I -
“I know exactly what you mean. You have to be really sure you are the shadow.”
“I don’t think I can ever forget that.”
“And you won’t. But others will try to take your rightful place-- and they can’t. But once they found that out, they’d try to expose the kingdom for the whole world to see. It’s not meant to be forced like that. While others - and you may find this hard to believe - but not everyone would like the Shadow Lands.”
“Not everyone? I can’t imagine how that’s possible.”
“Yeah,” she said. Although I’m not really sure what she meant.
*****
I am constantly amazed at all the things I can do now. I’ve been travelling as much places and haven’t stopped since. I could enter others’ dreams and do things people normally don’t dare to do. Recently I’ve been noticing that there seems to be a man stuck in Shadow Lands. He only comes ever so often. I didn’t think I’d have a hard time tracking people down, but even as a shadow, it’s hard to predict his whereabouts. But now he sits perfectly still on a hilltop, like he always does every single day. Or at least for the past few days. I’ve been watching. For the first time, I noticed that he is actually dressed as a warrior, ready to fight. I try to imagine how all the armor might probably weigh him down. I’ve been weightless for as long as I could remember. There’s really no need for a warrior in the Shadow Lands. What’s a useless Nonshadow doing in a warrior suit, and why would he stay here? Hmm, he tosses his a bottle with a scroll inside to the shore. He doesn’t seem to be enjoying the place. That better not be an S.O.S. because why would anyone want to escape Escape?
I realize the last time I spoke to a human was with Immortelle, though she’s not all human, until we switched places. Maybe there’s still a part of me that’s making me believe I need to have other humans around, but it’s more of how I think I should feel, rather than my natural instinct like it used to be. I guess I couldn’t care less. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps my shadow instincts telling me I don’t belong with humans anymore. I’ve grown accustomed to being a solitary vagabond. This is perhaps the most blissful way to be one. I guess I’m left with no choice but to see why he’s here. I guess if I’m maintaining the Shadow Lands, I at least have to protect from being polluted with depressing humans who came out of nowhere.
“Well!” I said carefully. “What does a knight have to say to the world?” I asked, referring to the message in the bottle. I had no reply. “Well you don’t talk much, do you?” Since I’m a shadow, I guess I get to know the dark stuff first. Maybe I’m not obliged to actually know the person first.
As soon as the bottle was out of sight, I started to hear voices. “Did you hear? The knight was a coward - ran away to from that very battlefield to send his message in a bottle”. “No. You wouldn’t have imagined how the lad let his S.O.S wash ashore.” “Traded conquer for escape.” “Traded glory for shame.” And “Every other knight and soldier and mercenary charged at the enemy, the wicked menacing enemy, hungry for blood and flesh and bile.” “‘Twas like watching them enter a death row”. “Some prince that Czandor is!” Czandor, huh, czar of candor.
This isn’t for me. It was directed at the knight – that whole series of different voices. I have to pull away soon enough. I started off to go elsewhere. Yes! Feel all the hostility! Oh who am I kidding? But why would he bring it back to himself? In him was a greater battle to be fought. In him rose a greater dominion - one of fear and of terror and of doubt. And though he said nothing, I felt like I suddenly understood why he chooses to be the way he is right now, so much that I feel like the words are still following me as I go away.
“Never die”
For the first time since, I felt the guilt of intrusion. I shouldn’t have been the one who heard all those. The only difference between this warrior poet and I is pretense. He accepted all truth even if it hurt him, including the fact that he is a coward. I’ve been fooling myself ever since the worst day, when father died. Everything started to come back. It was an archer. Father was killed. He fell in front of me. He stole no chariot, though maybe I would have had it better if he did. There’s the familiar tension I have learned to love - the negative energy that produced the same energy when I feel happiness or courage or love. Indeed anyone can say it’s at least close enough, even that ridiculously nostalgic warrior poet. But everything is just too vivid now. I want to break out of it. And no, I don’t want the tension. I built up a complex by pretending I’ve never had such dark notions and that I knew no tragedy, while this tongue-cut warrior poet suffered from it. And here I am, a witness, not knowing what to do with all I know, and I have to hide because I’m not even human anymore. Maybe that’s why he’s here.
“Never die”
Yes. Never die, never die. I failed to go unnoticed. That is very nice of him, but I don’t deserve this. Yes. Never die, never die.
Great. Now I have to get him out, right? It’s never been quieter in the Shadow Lands. I hate that he had to make me aware of the silence and emptiness and loneliness of this place. This is sick! I want to go back home, even if it means being truly alone and being aware of being alone. I’d rather come undone in the real world than rot in here for eternity.
“Immortelle? Let’s switch back. I’ve had it. I’ve had enough time and I had my fun, but I’m going home, now.”
“Going so soon, Vespertine? But you’ve only just begun. You don’t want the Shadow Lands to fall, do you?”
She called me Vespertine – of course. Because I am a shadow now. It means night. And boy did it make me feel tough. But not once did it occur to me that I won’t be hearing my name called very often – back when my name was a complement. I was to give it up for the name my father once called me, my raven black hair for my hay meadow hair, just like my fathers’.
“Well it’s not really that. You’ve been really nice but-“
“But what?” Oh. Why had I not realized that she was fuming and been more careful? “You decided it was better to be a vulnerable depressing human?”
“Wanna know what’s depressing? This is depressing! This whole entire wretched cosmos you’ve invented is depressing!”
“That’s not what I heard. You said so yourself you didn’t want depressing humans to multiply here”
“I never said that!”
“You thought it – same thing”
“Oh common that was before!”
“Before what? Before you decided you were one too?”
Well… yeah. Sure.
“Vesper-tine, do you really think it would take a voiceless prince to bring you back to music? “Let her never die!” A song you never truly understood, but also one you had devoted your life into comprehending. Well let me spell it out for you: NE-VER DIE!”
No. “NO!” I felt myself fall back, surprised at the sound of my voice. And just the same, she advanced at me. I realized it was not a good sign. It was a curse. I’d never wish to be immortal. I don’t want to be Immortelle. And now I have every reason not to wish for such a thing.
“You never learn, don’t you? You just don’t get it. Have you forgotten? Your adventure started with escape. You’ve painted a world rooted deep within your soul. You’ve let out a glimpse, a spark.”
Then came nothing. I almost didn’t notice how I’m not hiding my fear. I almost thought she’d never stop. Then she spoke again, but this time in a deep voice:
“It’s a story of a maiden running in a forest, away from the creatures. Yes, you were losing yourself-- and you don’t have to come back. You couldn’t have known better. What a shame even the youth will have to die”
“A shame”
“One that will never leave you”
So she thinks she’s winning. “Well why not let’s kill both ourselves off and let’s discuss what’s a shame when we reach the afterlife!” Now I saw what I thought was defeat in her eyes. What did she think? If I die, she’s going down with me.“What’s that? Oh, you’re afraid to die.” Defeat. I could not be mistaken. “That’s a shame. Solved!” but she was only taken aback for so long. She was starting to get an idea. I have to race with her. I will not allow her to even think for one second that she can win with all her filthy lies. Suddenly, even I wasn’t sure of what I just said. Because now she seemed to tower over me. And with her shining eyes, she wore the biggest smile. “You never stood a chance”, I fumbled, and I thought I that was the end of it, but my tongue had a mind of its own. “You think you’ve got me but you haven’t! You never have; never will!” But as soon as it came out of my mouth, tears started to trickle down my cheeks. Maybe because I knew that was a lie. She’s got nothing on me! Suddenly I felt a hand on my throat, and I mean on my literal throat as though her hand just past through my skin like a shadow. She hasn’t even moved her hands from her side. She was static. Then I saw it – how her shadow emerged from her, and knelt forward to choke me. I thought we had switched places! She didn’t give me full power over the Shadow Lands. I should have known from the beginning. All along I thought this whole world was a canvas by which I could paint my fantasies. I started to feel every dreamy memory and power come out of me – those days I played with my little music box from which an orchestra emerged – from which the Shadow Lands emerged. How could I have not seen that this whole place had designated directions and destinations? This isn’t fair!
“And –and, you wanna know who’s the real coward? You are! You couldn’t even play fair! Arghh!” I had to gasp for air. She’s got me on a death lock. See, Meadow? Nothing on me! But her grip grew ever tighter. I can’t defeat her. She’s too strong. She can overcome me any minute now.
“Why can’t you just let me go?”
“Hah! You just don’t get it do you? I’m a part of you, since the very beginning. You created me, but I surpassed you. Now you tell me: why won’t you let yourself go?”
Summary
Ever since Meadow's father died, she's been trying to relive her last memory with him. She does this each day until one day, she starts to have doubts about who her father really was. She wondered why he had left her, forgetting that this was not his choice. That day Vespertine, a witch whose name means night, came to her and invited her to rule the Shadow lands in exchange for her reality. Meadow takes the offer and her name becomes Immortelle. She does nothing but look into others dreams and fantasies, all the while, forgetting who she once was.
One day she found a non-shadow, a knight, appearing to be lost and trapped in the Shadow Lands. She was quite surprised at his intrusion and yet intrigued by his mysterious demeanor. Having the power to see what goes on in others' minds, she discovers that he too ran away to Shadow Lands because his cowardice led him to abandon his army.
All of a sudden, it all came coming back to her how her father died and who he truly was. All the while, the knight kept chanting "Never die". Just in time Vespertine appeared and Immortelle begged for her old life back, but she had already traded her freedom for the Shadow Lands while Vespertine lived her reality - the life Meadow would have had. Vespertine then decided she would end Immortelle's life by choking her so that she would have no one compete with her freedom. Nevertheless, Immortelle mustered for Vespertine to let go and ask her why she wouldn't to which Vespertine only returned the question to her.
